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Coping With Divorce ?
Love dances like a butterfly, divorce stings like a bee.
By Rev. Philip ‘Evangelistphil’ Jegede
Hello, my good friend. This is Evangelist Phil. Getting a divorce is one thing, but to find out during, and after a divorce that the person you thought you knew is a person you don’t know, or never knew, is excruciatingly devastating. I know a man who was married for eight years and throughout those eight years believed his wife was a better human being than he is. He dearly loved her to the last drop and firmly believed throughout those eight years of marriage that she was incapable of telling a lie, and never would be the type to tell a lie, no matter what.

This all changed when he sat, face to face with her in a court room. Everything that came out of her mouth in support of her own position were lies. Fabricated lies. Suddenly discovering that he married a person that tell lies with so much comfort, and was so good at it, and fearing she might never have loved him and was lying about that too, and that he might have lived in a lie for eight years; he was broken. It took God three years painstakingly to put his pieces together. He is attractive, women like him, he is genuinely kind, compassionate, and very intelligent. So far he is still single, never dated in three years, and is afraid of giving a woman the power to ever hurt him again.

I know that he is healed completely now. After three years, I recently ran into him. I asked how his love life was going. He smiled and said, “I am getting there.” However what struck me about our talk was that he took that time to examine his role in the divorce. He tells me, “I failed to provide the leadership in my marriage. My ex felt insecure in the marriage due to some medical condition that she suffered during the birth of our son… Instead of reassuring her of my commitment to her no matter what, I failed to give her the reassurance that my love for her stands unbreakable”.

“Stands unbreakable? Do you still love her”, I asked. He replied, “How do you unlove a love? I asked him if he still believes the marriage was all a lie for the eight years they were together. He smiled again and says, “I loved her…we had two kids together. Other than that, I can’t say for sure what else was true.”

It is 2:45 a.m. Sunday, morning as I write this, and I know many of you feel betrayed tonight. Sometimes God uses divorce to rescue us from potential harm from our loved ones. The devil uses divorce to try to destroy us so that we can turn hateful, bitter, mad at God, and eventually lose our faith Him, and in humanity.

The shock of divorce can have devastating effects on a person and/or family. One of the first things people do to rationalize what has happened is to go on the defense and start the blame game. Often times God is on the receiving end of that blame and people blame Him for their troubles or think that He is passing judgment for past sins. The truth of the matter is; God is not to blame and God is not punishing you. Many of us are in this situation because of the choices we made. Marriage is a choice, just like with any major life decision it comes with the good and the bad. When you go out to buy a house you can expect to have problems. At some point you will need to replace the carpet, or paint, or even fix leaking pipes.

These are all pretty simple issues compared to if your home was to burn down and you were left with nothing. Well that is how divorce can feel like. Sometimes you may have been aware that there was a problem before you got married but she was just too beautiful to give up, or he was too tall, dark and handsome to let go.

Maybe the problem was hidden and you did not learn of it until after you said, “I do.” Maybe you were hasty in your decision to buy into the attraction. The point is when choosing a mate and making the decision to marry there are risks. However, it was a choice, no one forced you to marry. Granted there may have been circumstances outside of your control but that is not God’s fault. Also there may have been past situations within your control that you failed to analyze before you said, “I do”. So don’t blame God because your intellect got the Mohammed Ali knock out blow from your emotion. Love dances like a butterfly, but divorce stings like a bee.

Blaming God is a futile effort and what was done is done. Don’t harden your heart and let the enemy get a foothold on you because of the bitterness of divorce. Maybe your relationship with God has not been what it should lately, well now is the time to change all that and rebuild. By getting into the Word and regular prayer God will meet you there and get you through this distasteful time. Rest assured that God loves you and will bring you through this along with grace and blessings. God has a habit of bringing good out of bad situations. In the end you will be stronger than you were before and capable of helping others who are going through the same life changes as you have.

There are so many things that a person has to deal with when going through a divorce. You may experience hurt, abandonment, anger, confusion, hate, denial, guilt etc. It seems the list can go on and on. Nevertheless, you will go through so many emotions all at once, and you’ll feel confused to what you are really feeling at any given time. You should realize that you are turning many of these emotions inward instead of dealing with them head on and working through the cards you’ve been dealt during this moment in your life. You may become bitter! Your bitterness will feed yourself-pity and your wisdom will be so consumed in hatred; you’ll plot evil against your ex, and use the children as bullets against him/her. Totally disregarding what is in the best interest of the children. The boys will grow up angry, and indoctrinate themselves into gangs. The girls we begin sexual promiscuity and start having babies while they themselves are still babies. So using the kids to retaliate against your ex-husband or ex- wife is not only a sin against God; it is an unpardonable atrocity, and an assault against the natural and supernatural spirits in humanity.

For a time you’ll feel justified to behave this way. Just like with sin, it feels good for a season until you realize the damage you are doing. Do you hate your ex more than you love your children? You are a child of God. Because God loves you more than He hates sin; He sent his only begotten son to be flogged, beating, humiliated and condemned by dirty hands, so that the sin that separates you from Him is forever removed.

If God can trade in Jesus, his own very best for an opportunity to reach out to you and say, “I love you”. Certainly, you can trade in your own very worst for Him; your anger, hatred, self pity, and a retaliatory spirit becoming unbecoming. Just say this prayers now before continuing reading this! “Lord! Take possession of my heart and make it like your own, in Jesus name, Amen!” Is this too much to ask of you? The more bitterness you feel the farther you’ll be from the kind of person you want to be. You’ll feel lost from God and your true friends. The only people you will find around you are those you want to use to fulfill your selfish desires and those who want to use you to fulfill their selfish desires.

Nobody with love and true intentions would want to be around you, because a hateful and bitter spirit is not capable of attracting people with good intentions. Birds of the same feather flock together. This is the time you need to ask yourself, “Do I continue to leave my heart open as a storage facility for hatred?” Answer like this now! “No! InJesus' name my heart won’t be a storage facility for hatred.” Take that time, examine yourself and you’ll realize that you played an equal part in the demise of your marriage just like he/she did.

Or you can assume that you can keep hating him/her and continue to love the kids both of you brought into this world together. Can your love for the children dwell in the same heart that the hatred for their father/mother dwells in? Absolutely not! It is like saying you love Jesus, but hates His Father, the almighty God. You cant, they are both one. Your children and their father are both one, and your children and their mother are both one. If you know the children love their dad/mom, and you also know that their dad/mom love them equally, if you still have the heart to maliciously and for retaliatory purposes keep the kids away from he/she who helped created them with God’s blessing; you are not capable of love; you never loved their dad/mom even if you felt you did when things were good, you don’t love the children, and you don’t love your self either.

You are not perfect he/she is not perfect either. Both of you made plenty of mistakes. Whether you believed that a divorce was right or wrong is irrelevant now, because the divorce is a fact. Things such as anger, hurt, guilt, confusion, denial etc are all god given emotions and can be dealt within a healthy manner but bitterness destroys! To get rid of the bitterness in your heart admit that you are a bitter person. Confess your bitterness to God and begin to look at yourself and the part you played in the marriage. Some of which may not be very pleasant.

When you are able to see the dark side of your soul, you’ll realize you have things to work on. At least for your children’s’ sake if there are children involved, and in fulfillment of Jesus’ only commandment to us; to love one another. Stop plotting evil against your ex or using the children against him/her. You can’t keep doing that then go to church on Sundays and pray like this, “…Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…” If you’ve not forgiven your ex, don’t say that prayer under any circumstance whatsoever. If you do, you are lying to God. The devil dose that to Him everyday. I am absolutely sure you don’t want to be in the same company as the devil. Instead, say this prayer, now! "In the name of Jesus, I resist rebellion, and iniquity. I renounce deception, unjust accusation, lying and believing lies. Jesus , I ask you to cultivate in me the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, goodness, and self-control.  In the name of Jesus, today I continue to receive beauty in place of ashes of regret. I continue to receive the oil of joy in place of hatred. I choose to forgive my ex for all the harm and pain he/she has put me through, forever. I choose to throw off the Spirit of Heaviness and put on the garment of praise. I commit myself to sober-mindedness and vigilance. Thank you Jesus, for opening the eyes of my understanding. In the name of Jesus. Amen."  Now call your ex and say, "all is forgiven in Jesus' name.

Note: some of  Jason’s writings on how Christians can recover from divorce were paraphrased in a couple of paragraphs by Evangelistphil in creating this article .
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